jump,jump,,,,,,,,,

today is a little softer than– yesterday

a little fuzzier than usual.

i thought i’d be broken, floating feeling– unknown.

maybe i’m just numb, maybe it’ll hit me later on.

glue this feeling down now, i’m okay doing it this way.

better yet, hold me down now, lay upon my body babe.

i think we are bound to drown, babe.

1

2

3, jump.

swallow my soul softly, caress my heart, feel it pump.

try not to make a mess my dear, no one feels you like me, like i do.

find our breath one gasp now, the day, is overdue.

your voice inside my mouth now, i wish you, i wish you.

woe/setback

don’t you sweat

fret, even when the feelings gone.

he’ll come around, but you

shouldn’t wait that long.

you’re greater than hot water baby.

you’re greater than any other baby.

don’t ya fret

even when the feelings gone.

he’ll come around, but

you shouldn’t wait that long.

warping

I can’t begin to tell you how many minutes & seconds have been lost at the edge of my bed.
I sit & get lost in thoughts of things that were or could’ve been.
I get lost.

dolefulness is something i feel-

Except tonight, i dream of you in black.

benevolently thinking.

Monday afternoon, my thoughts were not solid. I was sitting at work, in my chair tapping my right foot as fast as it could possibly tap to try to calm down. At that point, I realized I needed fresh air.
Now in Utah, the air pollution is always at an all time high this time of year, so it wasn’t as fresh as I had hoped. But it would do.
I walked down about 40 measly steps and reached the front door, the one I enter & exit Monday through Friday. I then, started walking.
Now, when I walk aimlessly I feel scared. I feel not in control of my thoughts, let alone my legs.
The breeze was a little cooler than I had anticipated, so i stopped, buttoned up my black coat, finishing off with a tight tie of the strings around my waist & continued my walk. My face was cold, but the cold felt nice pressing against my forehead, in which a headache was trying to surface.
From my walk, with each step into the damp grass all I remember thinking is ‘I should wear more practical shoes.’
I made my way behind buildings & saw in the distance, 2 older women wearing bright colors walking quickly, chatting away. I put my head down, eyes concealed behind my dark sunglasses as I passed them. I got around the buildings and stumbled upon a cemetery, fenced off, but I remember thinking how neatly everything looked. The grass was cut short, the branches of the trees bare from the season hung just low enough & the same breeze that blew my hair, blew the leaves around the headstones.
At that moment, I realized I needed to just let go. I took a deep breath & said out loud ‘everything is going to be okay.’ & at that moment, I felt okay. Reassuring myself is something I don’t do often. Reassuring myself out loud is something my ears needed to hear rather than just the words floating inside of my mind. The parting of my lips, saying those words calmed me.

I can’t say tuesday was okay, because it was worse than most days. But the confidence I have to calm myself, calmed me down.

i wanna be with you alone.

Interject.

Sometimes my heart is so chaotic, that it just feels like it breaks into segments & is floating around my body.

I’m relieved I don’t have a dull mind.
But, damn.
Sometimes I wish I did.
Even just to get one night filled with good, uninterrupted rest.

joejava.

On a rough day, when you can hardly even inhale & exhale your lungs that rest in your chest.

• Carry an appetite
• Laugh at things that normally would be uproarious

When you want to ball up & close off.

Don’t forget your small wins.

Don’t forget that you have small, positive victors.

If nothing else helps, refer below.

It’ll be okay.

sequestration.

– As you lie your head down each evening, I want you to think of me. The way I speak, think & simply be.

– As you raise your head up each morning, I want you to think of me. The way I speak, think & simply be.

– As you place your cold toes, probably covered in some sort of sock, gently on the hard wood floor.

– As you slightly bend your back, giving it a semi good stretch.

Even when you’re feeling withdrawal, loneliness, seclusion, isolation.

Simply just, be. And simply, just think of me.

“my alone feels so good. i’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude.” – warsan shire

2015.1.24

 

Lately, things have been going completely opposite of where I’d like them to be. So, i have finally decided that I need to make drastic changes to get to where I want to be. I’m not sure where I want to be, but that is what this is about; finding.

I’m solid, but lately, feel so unstable I can barely keep my toes on the ground.

 

This year will be my year.

My year for change, happiness & finding myself.

I’m wiping my slate & starting over.

Here’s to building something new.